God works in mysterious ways,

i 'stumbled' across this, this morning.

God grant me 

the 

serenity 

to accept what i cannot change

the 

courage

to change the things that i can

and

wisdom

to know the difference.

sometimes, He really needs you to know.

cross my heart and hope to die.

before last night, i could have sworn things would never
really get better. and when i went to bed, i totally prepped
myself to wake up completely miserable again.
but i didn't.
i woke up happy.
it was the real happy. the one that doesn't just rub off when
someone annoys you or says something that you don't agree
with. its the happy that makes your insides all warm and what not.

i've always been the type that hates change. i want nothing
to do with it. it freaks me out and i just can't keep up.
it's like a virus, one thing changes and then another.
except for lately.
i want change.
perhaps whacking five inches off my hair was the first step,
and then talking to other people again - not that i was entirely
anti-social. a new wardrobe helped out a little bit too.

so here's my theory:
maybe change isn't all that bad.
maybe change made me happy.

check the scoreboard for change,
he's not doing so bad any more.
& then here comes 2011. maybe
my new years resolutions will stick.

hahahaha good joke kirsten.

long story short:

tonight was a good night. in fact, definitely in my top five nights of 2010.
except for bad driving conditions like distractions, extremely dirty windows, random blizzards, and being lost in sandy, jordan, and south jordan for the majority of the drive, it was wonderful! danny and i went up to temple square to see the lights. if you didn't know, it was only my second time ever, and only my third time ever being on the temple grounds. the weather wasn't awful, but bitter cold with a nippy wind. we sipped hot chocolate and visited some of the prettiest places. the oldest tabernacle, a view from the roof, and the floating lights on the temple pond. we were probably good samaritans to a cute couple at the trax and played itouch games and i spy with my little eye. i probably had my lifeguarding cpr mask in my purse, but it's like whate'er. of course i didn't bring a camera, not that there was tons to take pictures of, except the trees, the pond, the temple, us, incredible arcitecture. okay, there was a lot to take pictures of. sue me, i'm a slacker. the drive home resulted in, singing colbie caillat over and over again, stop and go traffic, nearly rear-ending the car in front of us, and taco amigo for dinner. we ate like royalty. burrito supremes, fries, plenty of pink sauce, and of course, a banana oreo shake. try it. i dare you. and of course sometime later i was dropped off.

basically it was incredible. and if i could, every single night would be like that. because it was fun. i was really truly happy for one of the first times in a long time. and well, he smelled like heaven. three cheers for a perfect ending to the night, and possibly the remainder of christmas break.

this is me swallowing my pride:

my best friend told me:
being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect,
it only means you've decided to see past the imperfections.

i think happiness is a fragile thing. especially now. it seems to come and go so quickly these days. i feel like happiness isn't something i'm capable of keeping, and i guess i feel weak that i'm not capable of seeing past all of the hard times, trials, and tribulations. maybe i'm just one of those my-life-is-so-hard kind of people. or maybe, it's not always possible to be constantly happy during trials. i would imagine that's how it is. perhaps i'm not seeing the big picture in all of this. maybe i'm not learning everything that i need to be. maybe this trial seems so endless because i'm not grasping the fine print here. maybe there's a little message that's been tugging at me for so long, but i refused to believe it and therefore, continuously hurt myself.

it really makes you wonder, is it really that bad?
or are you just exaggerating it to avoid the truth?

in everything that's happened in the last month, maybe i'm the problem. maybe i'm keeping myself from moving on and getting past this. maybe the only thing standing between me and my happiness is a stubborn, needy, side of me that just can't drop it. maybe i'm making everything harder for myself by not facing the truth and being ignorant and childish. the truth hurts. i guess at some point i have to realize things aren't always going to go my way and i have to learn to work with the hand i've been given.


excuse me, i know i'm venting and that to the majority of you,
it probably makes absolutely no sense. but this is a blog. and
i think i just need to get a lot of things off my chest right now.

random post, like five minutes later:

you know what's an old song that i love:

kiss me thru the phone.

need i say more?

the word on the street is:

i whacked my hair off.
it's probably true, but you probably won't get a picture,
because i absolutely loathe taking pictures of myself.
it's difficult.

you know it's not going to be the best day when:

you use your fingers to scrape ice off your car window.
you lose your eyesight from the blinding glare of the winter roads and morning sun.
you watch people getting paid at work for doing absolutely nothing & you're working your butt off.
you hate work.
you realize, besides work, you've got nothing else to do today.
you check your phone every five minutes, hoping to find a text or missed call.
you don't have any texts or calls.
you eat a delicious sandwich that makes you sick.
you pick up food at Gandy's and drinks in the gas station to have a not-so-attractive man hit on you.
you realize, that man MUST be over 45 years old.
your best friend is enjoying their break at a cabin & snowboarding.
you know when you get home, you'll only be watching tv for the rest of the night.
you put on nice clothes, and they still don't make you happy.
you eat chocolate to cheer you up and get nauseous.
you can only find two ways to spend your breaks at work: blogging and facebook stalking.

merry christmas break.

twelve drummers drumming.

on the twelfth day of christmas:

i woke up & got ready for the day.

i played volleyball with extended fam, mckay & danny.

mckay probably bumped it right in my face.

i went to a christmas dinner. at four. it lasted till eight.

some dinner.

i eat mexican for christmas dinner.

no, really. our christmas eve feast is always mexican.

plus, we played musical chairs and my uncle sat on me.

i gift exchanged & smeagled How the Grinch Stole Christmas from danny.

i watched it. for the first time ever.

i love jim carrey.

i stayed up late.

i counted down: thirty minutes until christmas.

i feel like a little girl.
SO EXCITED!

Merry Christmas!

PG13.

warning: do not read this post if you are easily disturbed, if blood or death makes you uncomfortable, if you are nightmare prone like me, or if you are afraid of box-children.

a pre-explanation thingy:
i woke up at 4:30 ish 5 this morning, sweating, crying, and on the verge of screaming. i couldn't sleep. i'd had the most vivid, confusing, and straight up demented nightmare ever. in which, real people, in exact detail are portrayed, emotions are extreme and completely confusing. i'm about to explain my nightmare, you have been warned.

so here goes:
in my dream, i'm babysitting these two boys, and somehow, i'm still not sure how, they die. they are only like four years old. both have white blonde hair, and gorgeous eyes. [in real life they are the exact same, and have the sweetest personalities.] for some odd reason, i go for a drive and come back home shortly after. when i'm getting out of my car, i glance down the street to see a small boy, wearing a blue box that goes to his knees, and holes cut out for eyes, holding a really sharp thing [in my dream i call it a 'puncture-er] looks like an ice pick. he's just staring at me. i get a little creeped out so i start speed walking to my front door, and everytime i look back, he's closer to me. by the time i reach the front door, he's on the porch only five yards away. i rush inside, bolt and lock the door and yell for my sister to bolt and lock the garage door and shut the doggy door too. when i turn around, he's there. in my kitchen staring at me, with his ice pick, in his blue box. i run to my living room where the two dead boys i was babysitting are laying on the ground. i'm not sure what i intended to do, but i was leaning over their bodies when the box-child starts stabbing my back multiple times with his puncture-er. [this is just a dream, but it FELT so real] the dream skips again, and the box child is locked outside in my back yard. my kitchen window over looks my back yard and i see the box children. yes, children. they are everywhere. i call the cops and a woman arrives in my back yard. for some stupid reason, i decide to go back there and look. right as i walk out, i see a zombie woman walking towards me. i throw a stick straight in her heart in time to see the woman officer being stabbed by the children. i run inside, but the children get in too.  the one box child comes towards me - i'm conflicted because he's just a child and i don't want to kill him, but i do. and the rest disappear.  i rip off the box to see a small, innocent boy with shaggy brown hair and big blue eyes. a knock on the door. i open it to see the parents of the two dead boys i was babysitting. the mom and i just look at each other in tears. at some point, i figure out the zombie-woman that i killed was the mother of the original box child.

the end.
if you can interpret this, please tell me. i'm beyond confused, and freaked out.
i'm haunted. i feel like box children are everywhere i turn.
help.

p.s. sorry if you are mentally disturbed, i tried to warn you.

eleven pipers piping.

on the eleventh day of christmas:

i woke up early due to nightmares.

i probably cried my eyes out and hid under the blankets.

please note, i was continually haunted by those nightmares through out the day.

i waited by the window for my favorite UPS man to drop off danny's present.

i about had a heart attack when he did.

i wrapped presents. HECK YES!

danny got: a personalized Arsenal jersey with HIS name and HIS number on the back.

he also got a 25 dollar gift certificate to, where else, Tucano's. he's spoiled.

mckay, will be his date of course, seeing as he got a gift certificate there too.

i christmas shopped. of course.

i watched the Princess Bride. an all time favorite.

i ate cheese pizza.

i delivered presents to Danny.

in return i got, the fuzziest, softest, blanket in the world, a coldstone gift card,

and mens church socks (black and purple), i'm obsessed, don't ask questions.

then we went to mckays.

we played lots of fifa and discussed my bizarre nightmare.

i drove danny home.

i about cried because i was so scared to drive home alone.

of course, when i run from the my car to my door, i'm locked out.

freaking out. not cool.

i turn on every light and proceed to my bedroom.

i blog.

i count down: christmas in two days.

its the eleventh day of christmas.

music is required.

ten lords-a-leaping.

on the tenth day of christmas:

i went to the dentist again. lots of drugs.

i had an indoor soccer game. we lost.

i loved soccer.

i napped, for quite a while.

i watched top chef - just desserts because i like chocolate.

i ate a burrito for dinner and babysat the neighbors dog walter.

i invited danny.

we played halo, guitar hero, and modern warfare 2 for the night.

i got dominated. over and over.

i tried my best not to get sad. about anything.

i think i did okay.

i walked back home while he drove away.

i tried not to get sad or cry. 

i came to my messy bedroom and blogged.

it's late.

i counted down: three days until christmas.

i love christmas.

its the tenth day. christmas is almost here.

oh they get to me.

guilty pleasures.

1. peanutbutter. on everything.
2. warm socks. i've said this before.
3. pellet ice. like the stuff our school has during soccer season.
4. homemade jerky & salsa. so good.
5. the smell of cinnamon.

6. strawberry jam on grilled cheese. instructions: butter one side of two pieces of bread. put slices of cheese in the middle & grill to perfection over medium heat. wait until cheese is thoroughly cheesy, and bread slices are golden brown. turn off stove.  smother top of sandwich with strawberry jam & enjoy. thank you danny dorius.

7. mini sandwiches. the ones on rolls that they have at parties.
8. spoiling friends. LOVE spending money on everyone.
9. the backstreet boys. nuff said.
10. fruit snacks.
11. high school musical sound track.

12. prison break. i watched the ENTIRE first season in 24 hours. in fact it was the night after christmas last year. i still have not seen the other seasons, but please, lets have a marathon and rejoice in the cunning mind of michael. who is, if i might add, pretty darn attractive.

13. rolly chairs, or spinny chairs.
14. chocolate shakes or banana shakes. taco amigo. obviously.
15. the dentist. numby stuff & lots of laughing gas.
16. the smell of my shampoo. aussie.
17. the twilight series. read them. probably memorized them. sue me.
18. blog stalking and fbook stalking. everyday.
19. paychecks.

20. coldstone: cake batter with brownie. i don't know what it is, but every time i go to coldstone i can't get myself to try anything else. i guess i have a phobia of disappointment and thus stick with my previous orders. however, i have sampled other flavors. oatmeal cookie dough is delightful.

21. not wearing pants. i'm not a pants girl. i prefer spandex or underwear.
22. sports bras. love them.
23. eminem. i'm definitely too white.
24. making shoes on Nikeid.
25. roller coasters. i love them. as long as i'm safe.
26. haunted houses & scary movies. thrill seeker? ha, maybe.
27. i love lucy, tom & jerry, really old cartoons.
28. singing.

29. babies. perhaps i'm baby-hungry. but everytime i see a cute child, i just want to snatch it up and snuggle. they're adorable, and i love them. especially if they have big eyes and adorable smiles. freckles are nice too.

30. 11:11 wishes.
31. food network. top chef, man vs. food, cake boss, etc.
32. mulan, tarzan, & hercules.

nine ladies dancing.

on the ninth day of christmas:

i didn't sleep well at all.

i woke up at 4:30 to watch cartoons.

i soon realized that wasn't possible. power outage, thanks.

i hid my phone cause it kept beeping.

i loved the snow. all of it.

i shoveled the driveway in leggings and slippers.

i shoveled the sidewalk, everywhere, on our fourwheeler.

i got burried in the snow that fell from that tree.

i worked. for almost six hours. 

i ate apple spice junction. so good.

i went to young womens, food drive total success.

i came home to watch august rush and 17 again. two faves.

i got ready for bed.

i counted down: christmas in four days.

so you think you can dance?

so you should like,

elf yourself. 

i triple dog dare you.

eight maids-a-milking.

on the eighth day of christmas:

i woke up after having a dream about being pregnant. why was this necessary?

i made a present for the dorius family. they're wonderful to me.

i went to the dorius family christmas open house.

i ate the most delicious clam chowder provided by papa dorius.

i had a roller coaster night. happy. sad. happy. sad.

 i watched this video. baby-hungry girls. loved it.

i got a hug. much needed.

i slipped on the slush, and fishtailed around a turn.

i made it home.

 i blogged & counted down: five days until christmas shopping.

eight of them.

in the face of adversity,

D&C 121:7

My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

Alma 34:41

But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions.

Alma 31:31

O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ. O Lord, wilt thou grant unto me that I may have strength, that I may suffer with patience these afflictions which shall come upon me..

Ether 12:6

..for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.

Romans 5:3-4

And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope

any others? those scriptures that give you hope in hard times?

i wrote a little poem a while ago.

We're Never Alone:

Lonesome, and weathered, our journey can be,

weary, and unable to carry on.

But my Savior, Christ, calls "Come unto me,"

He listens and hears our sad-heart songs.

Brother, Redeemer, help lighten my load

on my knees, will I come to thee.

These burdens weigh down, on life's trying roads.

My Lord, My God, draw nigh unto me.

In the darkest of nights, temptations thrive,

attacking souls, famished from lack of light.

But Christ falters not, stands strong by our side.

Reassured and secured, our hope ignites.

Hope in the atonement, He died for ME,

MY sorrows and sins in the Olive Press,

were bled from each pore in Gethsemane

His unconditional love was professed.

He'll never leave us alone on our way,

and if we are humble, He will provide

comfort, advice, and strength in our days,

peace and renewed faith, in Him we confide.

seven swans-a-swimming.

on the seventh day of christmas:

i went to church.

i listened to fantastic choir christmas program by danny.

i ate a glorious dinner.

i met with my bishop.

i went to a fireside about afghanistan.

i got a cool scarf turban thing from afghanistan.

i napped to the sound of football.

i got ready for bed.

i love sundays.

i count down: christmas in six days.

swan princess anyone?

love odette.

six geese-a-laying.

on the sixth day of christmas:

i woke up.

i showered.

i attempted christmas shopping.

i got a headache.

i sat at home.

i kind of hung out with danny.

i probably cried a lot.

i talked to my mom.

i blogged.

long day.

six geese-a-laying.

need i say more?

if live was a canvas - mine's nearly naked.

kirsten: plain old jane.

i came to realize there's not a whole lot interesting about me. 

i don't have any crazy talents, i'm not REALLY good at anything.

i'm just average. maybe below average seeing as i'm a Utahn and 

i haven't ever been skiing, snowboarding, seen the grand canyon,

made a snowman, seen the Salt Lake, fill in the blank. i only play

one sport, and i've played for at least 11 years now, but i'm just

average. i can play a little bit of the piano, but quit after 4 years 

of lessons and no real progress. i'm not a very good singer, perhaps

average? when around other people, i have a tendency to make a

total fool of myself. emotional is my middle name. i'm not incredibly

beautiful or rich. i'm not spectacular or amazing at all.

but you know, for being a plain old jane, i imagine i'm doing alright.

ha, look at me, it's a saturday night during christmas break, and i'm

blogging away my self pity. sheesh, i'm pathetic right now. i think i'll 

go make a grilled cheese.

five gold rings

on the fifth day of christmas:

i slept in. again. again.

i woke up for english.

i watched a christmas movie from 1930.

i drank hot chocolate.

i watched House in medical anatomy.

i saw amy. it's been so long.

i listened to more dboard confessionals.

i came home.

i bought myself christmas presents with my moms money.

i put money in my account.

i was blessed by a stranger as he left a five dollar

bill for me at the bank, saying merry christmas.

i was happy.

i ate taco amigo. i love my brother.

i babysat. kind of. the kids were asleep.

from 7 until now, almost midnight.

i watched inception and letters to juliet in that time frame.

i also ate lots of fruit snacks and drank water.

i loved the snow.

i came home to a house smelling of dried jerky.

i saw mommy wrapping presents.

i felt tired and started a yawn fest.

i am blogging.

i realize, it's christmas break.

i count down: christmas in eight days.

i love christmas.

five gold rings,

maybe if you are

a billionaire,

we can be friends

this christmas.

can you believe, christmas is here?

four calling birds.

on the fourth day of christmas:

i slept in. again.

i made sugar cookies in foods.

i ate those sugar cookies.

i drank mint truffle hot chocolate, supplied by Danny.

i watched the Newsies in US history.

i did not have to stay in advisory.

i watched brady play danny in fifa.

i sang songs and loved the seminary assembly.

i wrote cards to terminally ill children.

i liked that a lot.

i brought danny hot chocolate.

it wasn't as good as the one he brought me.

i felt sad again.

i wore leggings, leg warmers, boots, a hoodie and coat.

i cashed my check and returned sweat pants to danny.

i got home and napped.

i LOVED that nap.

i dreamed of christmas.

i woke up for dinner at seven.

i ate mama chus.

i came home to find a messy bed room.

i thought about folding laundry. again.

i was frustrated that my nail polish was chipping already.

i counted down: christmas break in 18 hours.

christmas in only nine days.

i felt like celebrating a lot.

four words,

waiting to be heard.

a vegetarian lifestyle.

the thing about jerky is, i don't want to see it until it's done.

but my momma whips out her meat slicer today and i get

that nauseas feeling inside, the one that makes your stomach

all knotty. and then, before i can escape the horror of raw

meat being splat on the slicer, she asks me to help her out.

ah shucks. so there i sit, grabbing paper thin slices of meat 

as she cranks the blade back and forth. 

oh please bless.

i'm getting light headed and my hands are feeling tingly. the

stench of raw meat is smothering me. i resist the urge to gag

multiple times, and i fail. multiple times. sometimes i try to grab

the piece of meat and the stringy fat is stuck on the blade.

more gagging. i keep my hands away from my face. i refuse

to touch anything, that reeking smell is liquid all over them. and

i'm lightheaded as i walk to the sink. this isn't good. 

my sister thinks its funny to discuss meat packing plants and

the slaughtering of animals for human satisfaction because it

irritates me. right now, the overwhelming urge to purge has

drowned out my irritability. 

heavens, please stop.

so there you go.

i hate meat.

i hate the taste.

i hate the texture.

i hate knowing how we got it.

i hate knowing that we eat it.

i hate the smell.

i hate the look of raw meat.

i'm definitely not the carnivore type.

three french hens

on the third day of christmas:

i slept in, because i don't have a first period.

i finished my english paper about Jesus.

i took a ridiculous test in medical anatomy.

i ate that shake i won in the bet. banana.

i learned how to say xbox in sign language. and more.

i watched the first part of the grinch.

i listened to the whole class quote it.

i got an urge to see the grinch all the way through.

i went to danny's indoor soccer game.

i realized, i'm an excellent coach.

i got more excited than i should when they tied the game

in the last thirty seconds. soccer. it's intense business.

i almost got another courtesy cone.

i thought about going running.

i forgot to cash my check.

i painted my nails bright red. red is for courage.

i discovered my anonymous note giver. thank you.

i blogged. [right now]

i listened to laura marling.

i procrastinated my laundry. again.
i spent countless hours at the mall christmas shopping.
i ate a sensuous sandwich for dinner.

i counted down: christmas break, two days.

christmas day, ten days.

i fbook stalked & blog stalked.

i finished a christmas present. one down.
i got a 47 out of 50 on my political science final.

i loved today.

three french men,

to make me food.

pasta please.

two turtle doves

on the second day of christmas:

i woke up early to get doped up on laughing gas.

i fell in love with the dentist.

i drove home, drugged and numb in my right cheek.

i got to school in time for second period.

i had a sub in foods, despite the fact that he could walk

perfectly fine with a cane, he drove his wheel chair, at

probably -0.04 miles an hour with a black flag attached

and bright orange flames on it. he probably had two hairs

on his head and wore glasses four inches thick. 

[please excuse my exaggeration]

i continually massaged my numb cheek in hopes to regain feeling.

i became a russian, seamstress immigrant, married to a kid in

my class, that had pink eyes, heart problems, and something

wrong with my face. also, i was called 'stupid' in spanish, and 

got deported out of america. [welcome to ap us history]

i ate grilled cheese, grilled to perfection.

i learned about D&C 76 and how to live a celestial life.

i got another angel.

i had a relieving, honest talk with danny.

i considered folding the pile of laundry on my bed.

i delivered cookies to elderly, or homebound wardies & caroled.

i added to my collection of 57 notes.

i considered painting my nails.

i checked my grade in psychology. the B was generous.

i listened to aly & aj's christmas music.

i worked on christmas presents.
i watched payson beat our boys basketball team.
i won a bet, arctic circle shakes.

i counted down to christmas break, three days.

i counted down to christmas day, 11 days.

turtle doves. how about two turtle shakes

and dove chocolates. mmm love it.

a partridge in a pear tree.

on the first day of christmas:

i aced my political science test.

i wrote an english paper about Jesus.

i wrote a two page note to someone dear.

i had my first peanut butter sandwich in over a week.

i worked for two hours.

i helped danny apply for a job.

i bought taco amigo, nacho supreme and fries.

i piled laundry on my bed to fold.

i procrastinated my psychology final.

i had a christmas dinner with my sunday school class.

i blogged.

i worked on christmas presents.

i felt like puking up everything i had eaten.

i cuddled with warm rice bags.

i did not feel like it was christmas.

what's a partridge anyway, and why would i

want pear tree? my true love is so thoughtful.

if you're a hugger:

come find me.
i'm in serious need.
thank you much.

it's like, do i even know how to blog?

i'm not going to pretend that my last post
isn't still true. but things are slowly getting
better. i think i have a phobia of being
abandoned. which only made that night harder.

we're only best friends now. thankfully that.
i understand why, and i know it's right. but
that doesn't make it any easier. it's hard to
put those feelings aside. but i think we need
it. for one minute. to just be best friends.

ladies and gentlemen.
danny dorius is the best person i've ever met.
he's unlike any best friend i have known.
i'm not going to say i don't love him. because i
really do. but the love is different now. and it
feels right. maybe all these tears are from joy.
at this point, i'm not sure. but i can only be
thankful that he's still here for me, and that he
is always going to be my best friend, no matter
what. i've never felt this way before, but with
someone like him, it makes sense. he's that
someone that i can look up to, the one that
makes me want to be a better person, the one
that strengthens my testimony, the one that
gives me hugs because i'm having a hard time.
the one that is trying to do the right thing, even
if it's hard. the one that puts God first and wants
to be a good example, and wants to help others.
he someone that is optimistic, in all of the hard
times, and sincerely wants you to be happy
being you, and doing what you do. he's someone
that makes you laugh, even when you're crying.
and promises to tease you for the rest of your
life on earth. he's the one that tries to understand
and tries to do whatever he can. he's someone
that is safe, and you can trust yourself with.
he's someone that cheers you up, and will argue
with you just because he's got a solid debate.
he won't go easy on you all the time, and isn't
afraid to open the door or say thank you. he's
polite and considerate. he's my best friend and
i look up to him so much.

thank the heavens for best friends.

sorry that i've been so infrequent

with blogging. and if you're my mom,

sorry that i've been so infrequent

with laundry and cleaning my room.

a little update.

i am: soon to be lacking in wisdom teeth.

i m: trying to get decent grades on finals.

i am: listening to chase coy & dboard confessionals.

i am: working on making God a part of my daily life.

i am: hoping for a quick week before christmas break.

i am: learning what optimism is in hard times.

i am: trying to make money for christmas.

i am: spending money for christmas.

i am: driving around on empty.

i am: failing foods. who even does that?

i am: considering cleaning my room & doing laundry.

i am: trying to fix an ulcer. if it's even fixable.

i am: eating a lot of snickerdoodle cookies.

i am: counting down till christmas. 16 days.

i am: praying for snow.

i am: really wishing i knew how to snowboard.

i am: so ready for second semester.

i am: craving a new wardrobe.

i am: so sick of sneezing all the time.

i am: procrastinating homework of course.

i am: trying real hard to be happy. 

tonight:

you know that feeling?

the one where you just want

God to come down and swoop

you up into heaven because you

 are too tired to put up a fight anymore

because you're finally realizing how 

hard this world can be at times.

and because everything just hurts.

i'm not trying to sound suicidal.

life is exhausting.

i'm not joking.

the stress levels are eating away at my insides.

no.

literally.

i have a stress-induced ulcer.

if you've had an ulcer, please raise your hand.

we can be friends. and we can cry in the fetal 

position for hours on end. we can be anorexic

together until it goes away, because eating food

hurts more than never eating again. 

if you're not completely sure what an ulcer is,

basically it's a kanker in your stomach. it is

produced from high stress levels and citrus-y

acidic foods. sometimes bacteria live on ulcers

and aggravate it, and quicken the growth of the

ulcer. it is extremely painful and can last for long

amounts of time. it's like a five week long period.

but in your stomach. and not really a period at all.

but you know what decided to join my ulcer?

mother nature. she's returned from her monthly 

vacation, to make this, the. most. miserable. day. ever.

no.

literally.

thanks megan for explaining a couple things about our

favorite time of the month. remember how chocolate

gets rid of cramps? well, great, but it actually worsens

ulcers. hmm.. you know how you get crazy cravings

for your favorite foods, like bajio, or costa vida, etc?

yeah, well my ulcer doesn't like spicy foods either. lets

just ruin all my fun. stupid ulcer. stupid mother nature.

i'm currently an anorexic, emotional wreck, that's

overly stressed out, starving, and in lots of pain.

please.

feel free to bring me ice cream.

[cold stone cake batter with brownie.]

at least i can eat that much.

[or just chocolate ice cream would suffice.]

it's here.

december:

candy canes.

hot chocolate.

mittens & scarves. 

christmas music.

hot dinners.

family time.

snow.

the lights.

ice skating.

tubing.

peppermint.

cinnamon & pine.

christmas.

traditions.

boots & warm socks.

banana bread.

winter coats.

sitting by the fire.

love.

so maybe time is flying by a little bit.

can we please slow it down for december?

i'm afraid if i blink i'll miss the holiday.