it's like, do i even know how to blog?

i'm not going to pretend that my last post
isn't still true. but things are slowly getting
better. i think i have a phobia of being
abandoned. which only made that night harder.

we're only best friends now. thankfully that.
i understand why, and i know it's right. but
that doesn't make it any easier. it's hard to
put those feelings aside. but i think we need
it. for one minute. to just be best friends.

ladies and gentlemen.
danny dorius is the best person i've ever met.
he's unlike any best friend i have known.
i'm not going to say i don't love him. because i
really do. but the love is different now. and it
feels right. maybe all these tears are from joy.
at this point, i'm not sure. but i can only be
thankful that he's still here for me, and that he
is always going to be my best friend, no matter
what. i've never felt this way before, but with
someone like him, it makes sense. he's that
someone that i can look up to, the one that
makes me want to be a better person, the one
that strengthens my testimony, the one that
gives me hugs because i'm having a hard time.
the one that is trying to do the right thing, even
if it's hard. the one that puts God first and wants
to be a good example, and wants to help others.
he someone that is optimistic, in all of the hard
times, and sincerely wants you to be happy
being you, and doing what you do. he's someone
that makes you laugh, even when you're crying.
and promises to tease you for the rest of your
life on earth. he's the one that tries to understand
and tries to do whatever he can. he's someone
that is safe, and you can trust yourself with.
he's someone that cheers you up, and will argue
with you just because he's got a solid debate.
he won't go easy on you all the time, and isn't
afraid to open the door or say thank you. he's
polite and considerate. he's my best friend and
i look up to him so much.

thank the heavens for best friends.

sorry that i've been so infrequent

with blogging. and if you're my mom,

sorry that i've been so infrequent

with laundry and cleaning my room.

a little update.

i am: soon to be lacking in wisdom teeth.

i m: trying to get decent grades on finals.

i am: listening to chase coy & dboard confessionals.

i am: working on making God a part of my daily life.

i am: hoping for a quick week before christmas break.

i am: learning what optimism is in hard times.

i am: trying to make money for christmas.

i am: spending money for christmas.

i am: driving around on empty.

i am: failing foods. who even does that?

i am: considering cleaning my room & doing laundry.

i am: trying to fix an ulcer. if it's even fixable.

i am: eating a lot of snickerdoodle cookies.

i am: counting down till christmas. 16 days.

i am: praying for snow.

i am: really wishing i knew how to snowboard.

i am: so ready for second semester.

i am: craving a new wardrobe.

i am: so sick of sneezing all the time.

i am: procrastinating homework of course.

i am: trying real hard to be happy. 

tonight:

you know that feeling?

the one where you just want

God to come down and swoop

you up into heaven because you

 are too tired to put up a fight anymore

because you're finally realizing how 

hard this world can be at times.

and because everything just hurts.

i'm not trying to sound suicidal.

life is exhausting.

i'm not joking.

the stress levels are eating away at my insides.

no.

literally.

i have a stress-induced ulcer.

if you've had an ulcer, please raise your hand.

we can be friends. and we can cry in the fetal 

position for hours on end. we can be anorexic

together until it goes away, because eating food

hurts more than never eating again. 

if you're not completely sure what an ulcer is,

basically it's a kanker in your stomach. it is

produced from high stress levels and citrus-y

acidic foods. sometimes bacteria live on ulcers

and aggravate it, and quicken the growth of the

ulcer. it is extremely painful and can last for long

amounts of time. it's like a five week long period.

but in your stomach. and not really a period at all.

but you know what decided to join my ulcer?

mother nature. she's returned from her monthly 

vacation, to make this, the. most. miserable. day. ever.

no.

literally.

thanks megan for explaining a couple things about our

favorite time of the month. remember how chocolate

gets rid of cramps? well, great, but it actually worsens

ulcers. hmm.. you know how you get crazy cravings

for your favorite foods, like bajio, or costa vida, etc?

yeah, well my ulcer doesn't like spicy foods either. lets

just ruin all my fun. stupid ulcer. stupid mother nature.

i'm currently an anorexic, emotional wreck, that's

overly stressed out, starving, and in lots of pain.

please.

feel free to bring me ice cream.

[cold stone cake batter with brownie.]

at least i can eat that much.

[or just chocolate ice cream would suffice.]

it's here.

december:

candy canes.

hot chocolate.

mittens & scarves. 

christmas music.

hot dinners.

family time.

snow.

the lights.

ice skating.

tubing.

peppermint.

cinnamon & pine.

christmas.

traditions.

boots & warm socks.

banana bread.

winter coats.

sitting by the fire.

love.

so maybe time is flying by a little bit.

can we please slow it down for december?

i'm afraid if i blink i'll miss the holiday.

those three words.

maybe said too often.

maybe not said enough.

they are fragile and gentle, looking to fill the ever-growing hole in your heart.

they are happy and blissful, bringing memories and long lasting love.

they should not be forced or said under hopeless, greedy, circumstances.

they mend broken hearts, and heal pain from the past.

they should be spoken in word and deed to those you value most.

they should never be taken for granted, but should always be remembered. 

they are strong and true to the moment, expressing what's inside of you.

they should be honest, without demeaning ulterior motives.

they are comforting in times of sorrow, and reassure your worth in this world.

they're spoken faithfully and doubtlessly, with nothing to fear, straight from the heart.

we could all use a little more love in this life

and a little less self-doubt, hate and sorrow.

i love you.

the last 24 hours.

having a rough time. that's all.

today was not my day.

and neither was yesterday.

sick of crying.

harder than it needs to be.

& now i'm a fat, house cat

my name is kirsten goodman,

i have flaws.

i'm emotionally unstable, with a tendency to over react.

i'm a perfectionist, and ocd over many things.

i want to solve everyone's problems.

i can preach advice, but struggle to swallow my own.

i am my own critic, and i'm selfish at times.

i can be prideful and judgmental.

i am quick to notice other's flaws, but slow to see my own.

i am always right and very bossy.

i will do everything on my own for fear that others will do it wrong.

i carry burdens from mistakes rather than forgive myself.

i fail to see 'the bright side' of things often.

i do not always think before i speak.

i say very stupid things.

i want everyone to be happy, even when it's impossible.

i argue more than i should.

i sometimes take things to serious and can't take a joke.

i get offended and hurt easily.

i do not like when things don't go my way.

i don't always care what people think, even when i should.

i get jealous.

i forgive others, but i don't always forget.

i commit to things that i can't commit to.

i can be cocky, and overconfident.

i give dirty looks when i disagree with someone.

i put down others that i feel aren't as good as me.

i take for granted the things that are most important to me: family, best friends.

i do not take advantage of the talents i have been given.

i do not say 'thank you' enough.

i doubt my abilities to be the best me i can be.

i make the same mistakes over and over again.

i can be hypocritical.

i struggle to see other's point of views.

i sometimes take what i can get instead of what i actually deserve.

i don't always choose the right.

i intentionally choose the wrong, aware of the consequences.

i punch people, and inflict a lot of pain.

i procrastinate.

my name is kirsten goodman

i am good at soccer, even though i doubt myself.

i am stronger than i think.

i am willing to help others in need over my own needs.

i am not afraid to bear my testimony.

i am a daughter of God.

i am a best friend.

i am a good student, and try my best in school.

i write good poems.

i am loving and selfless at times.

i know that God has something wonderful in store for me.

i can play the piano and guitar.

i have insight and a perspective of the gospel that other's don't see.

i am unique.

i am the only Kirsten Chase Goodman.

i always want others to be happy.

i enjoy loaning money, and spending it on people i love.

i have weaknesses that keep me humble.

i am a leader and an example.

i am friendly and i like to get to know others.

i am considerate of other's beliefs and try not to judge them.

i am not afraid to stand up for what i believe in.

i love the Book of Mormon and have a testimony of it.

i do not need other's acceptance to feel good about myself.

i am loyal to those i love.

i am incredible at making peanut butter sandwiches.

i know my standards.

i truly try to trust the Lord in all that i do.

i am loved, and have people that care for me.

i can tell when i'm in the wrong.

i am creative.

i am a good listener and give good advice.

i am finding out who i am.

i reach out to others and try to help those in need.

i am a hugger.

i can right baller essays.

i maintain good grades and a decently clean room.

i am not afraid to show my emotions.

i am hopeful.

i am a champion when it comes to spelling.

i am really good at writing notes and drawing piggies.

i am learning to like to try new things.

i am outgoing.

i am a u-turn professional.

i can make pasta like a sous chef.

who are you?

11/17

one of those days.

on and off, good and bad.

you know what sounds good?

jack's mannequin.

my dear friend, it's been awhile.

tonight we'll sing together.

ask me about my fingernails.

i'm in the mood to brag about the paint

and glitter job done by eight year olds.

one thing i dislike about winter:

spiders. they like to move in.

i don't like them to move in.

see the conflict?

resolution: vanquish them.

[yeah, i did just say vanquish.]

the would-you-rather game:

would you rather be a giant 

hamster or a tiny rhino?

would you rather die by sharks,

or die by hot lava melting you?

would you rather swim two

miles or bike ten miles?

would you rather eat ketchup for 

the duration of your life or live 

in a card board box?

would you rather dance in front

of a big crowd, or sing a solo?

would you rather have a water park

or a roller coaster in your backyard?

would you rather live off french fries

 or pudding for the rest of your life?  

would you rather experience a

tornado or an earthquake?

because i don't have much to say.

happy wednesday, 

the week is half over.

say helloooo weekend!

16 going on 21, what?

so what, if i write his name in cursive in my notebooks?
so what, if his last name is tagged on to mine?

so what, if i already chose the names all the children i plan to have?

so what, if i'm 16 and i wish i was married?

so what, if i can't wait till i have a four month baby-bump?

so what, if when i played house as a little girl i was always the pregnant mom?
maybe i just like the idea of having babies?
maybe not the 'having' part, but the part that they are mine.

time is flying by

& at this point, i'm okay with that.

cause in no time, i'll be happily married.

it's okay if you think i'm deranged 

and i've have lost my mind.

i guess it's pretty normal for me.

love is a curious thing, isn't it?

to kirsten:

there's nothing like anonymous notes to brighten your hardest day. today was unusually awful, and i think bad days are overrated. it was third period, i was in sanderson's class because they were taking a test in my history class that i could not be present for. i was getting ready to study for that test and checked up on the fremont vs. lone peak semifinal game every now and then. just when i decided the rest of the day would go downhill, an anonymous note was delivered to me.

now, crying in public is not my thing, but i'll admit, i choked up, and i teared up a little. sometimes you feel so insignificant in this world. completely unaware of your effect on the people around you. it took someone else intervening to get me to take a step back and see what i am doing.

doubt and discouragement had me spiraling down, but a quite thanks turned things around.

whoever you are, just know that you have entirely made someone's day. that you have lightened a load, and served one of God's children. i couldn't be more thankful for your little letter. it's definitely something i needed to hear. i'm thankful that you are in tune with the spirit enough to feel the need to send that. you've incredibly impacted my life, and it's something i will never forget. thank you a billion times.
p.s. your handwriting is lovely.

the classic questionnaire.

1] if you could have any, what super power would you want?
a: shape shifting, then i could shape shift into any superhero with any superpower.

2] if you could be any animal, what would you be?
a: flying fish. you can fly, and you can breathe under water.

3] what is your most embarrassing moment?
a: choking on a cinnamon roll and turning to the attractive RMs next to me to help me out.

4] what is one of your favorite movie quotes?
a: "what is pain?" "french bread" [name that movie]

5] which condiment is most vital in your diet?
a: peanut butter.

6] who is the most attractive actor?
a: brad pitt, mark whalberg, cam gigandet

7] what is your favorite abnormal crayon color?
a: jazzberry jam, wild blue yonder, razzle dazzle rose. [they are real colors i promise]

8] what is your favorite article of clothing?
a: sports bra, soccer shorts.

9] what would you do with a million dollars?
a: pay off debts, probably a little splurge shopping, guarantee my kids a
home and opportunity to go to college, help out family & friends, and save.

10] if you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
a: here in pleasant grove, rome, or on a tropical island.

two is better than one.

because he is my best friend in the whole world.

and just about the only thing on my mind right now.

sadie hawkins dance.

he probably answered me back like this:

and still breathing.

i'm a firm believer in half-birthdays.
so please, lets all take a moment to celebrate
my 16-annahalf-bday.


presents are welcome, and if you must,
i'm also okay with a little serenade-
primary birthday songs please. my favorite.

i've been alive for:
861 weeks (rounded down)
6028 days 
144,672 hours 
8,680,320 minutes 
520,819,200 seconds 


i think i deserve a round of applause.

a heads up:

probably in love.

but what can you do about it?