i apologize.

i am temporarily checking out of my cyber social life, if you haven't already noticed.

i'm taking a step back from my daily blog stalking and facebook stalking.

don't fret - it's not you, it's me. i'm suffering from the most fatal of diseases,

writers block.

to spare you from the the posts & facebook statuses that are totally irrelevant 

and rather worthless, i figure i'll just let my mind take a vacation and relieve you of

your guilty desire to know me, better than i know myself, via world wide web stalking.

it's okay, i did that too. perhaps, more frequently than i should have. but no one has to

know, right? the obsessive nature to know everything under an individual's skin 

without being unethically creepy, is something we have in common. blog and facebook

stalking is option number one. typically under conditions of:

1: extreme boredom.

2: lack of another, more productive, way of spending your time.

3: curiosity, and the nagging need to satisfy it.

4: starvation, from lack of something interesting in your life.

or, 5: perhaps your just a social butterfly and want part in everyone's life.

option two would be literally stalking the person. that in all ways is not okay. but, we do it

because sometimes cyber stalking just doesn't do it for us. i think i'll have to practice my

stalking outside of my technological social life while my brain takes its vacation elsewhere.

and maybe when it gets back, the blog posts and obnoxious facebook status updates will return.

ms. anti-social is calling.

my mind is running on two different frequencies.

- AM representing my loathe for the majority of the student body, their natural tendencies to be as immature and reckless before they are responsible adults, and my inclination to avoid them and their adolescent behavior like the plague.

- FM representing my awareness of time; looking to the future does not make things come faster, the capacity i retain to understand that i am only 16, with another year of highschool, and more schooling following graduation, and my underlying desires to live in the moment and be as reckless as i can, too.

i'm incapable of finding a happy medium. the countless hours spent walking through the mind-numbing-blah of high school upsets my aura. sometimes ms. anti-social crawls out of her closet to tell me that those glory days aren't all their hyped up to be. but then i feel guilty, for throwing away four years of adolescent experimenting because i'm so caught up in the future, and being prepared, and blah,blah,blah,blah.

is there a balance between being anti-social, overly-cautious, and reckless, potentially damaging, high school experiences? if so, do tell, because highschool is weird.

26 years.

my entire world just got flipped upside down.
i think i'm still in shock, because the tears
don't fall as freely today, and my brain feels like
its in the middle of a hurricane - calm - but i can
see the chaos ripping everything around me.

day five: what is love?

love.
if I know anything about love, its that the definition is not definite. there is more to love than, perhaps, we will ever fully comprehend. i'd like to think we get little glimpses of love every now and then to know that it's real and to remind ourselves that the risk of loving and being loved is one worth taking.

it's january

and i went swimming. yes, swimming.

at the lehi legacy center, like it says in my last post.

oh how i've missed you:

the bittersweet smell of chlorine.

the burning sensation in your eyes.

the awkward, raccoon, goggle lines.

the freedom of wearing swim suits, forget clothes.

the pruney gramma fingers.

the sound of the lifeguards whistle.

the sound of water crashing and splashing.

the first time holding your breath.

the first time every inch of your skin sinks below the surface.

the excessive dunking, and holding your breath contests.

the hot tub and the jets.

the cool, refreshing jump back into the pool.

the exhilaration from flying down the slide.

the currents.

the colored tints of the goggles.

the hand stand contests.

summer, come quickly, it's been far too long.

we miss you.

day four: eating like queens and kings

breakfast:
peaches n' cream oatmeal
large glass of milk
orange julius provided by mom.


lunch:
juice press's build-your-own sandwich.
cheese bread, mayo, mustard, lettuce,
tomatoes, roast beef, turkey, cucumbers,
olives, pickles, avacados, banana peppers,
and jalapenos.


dinner:
the best frozen yogurt known to man.
note to all frozen yogurt fanatics [meg]
- check out the lehi legacy center. get their
twist strawberry & cheesecake for $2.50.
you will fall in love.

perhaps i didn't end on a 'healthy note' but
hey, its frozen yogurt. yogurt is good for you,
right?

however, if you are what you eat,
i imagine i'm peanut butter toast.
what are you?

day three: the parentals.

they gave me life. and in return i let them change my diapers, spend their earned money on me, and let them listen to me complain about how difficult being a teenager is. i take them for granted. of course they've been the two most influential people in my life, and i don't think i tell them or show them how my i love them as much as i should.

my dad: sees life in black and white, serves more than any person i have ever met, buys me packs of gum just because, has had grey hair as long as i can remember him, is not the affectionate type - but when he is, you know he means it, is my biggest fan, made me a hard worker, honors his priesthood and has a strong relationship with his Heavenly Father, plays indoor soccer, thinks he's hysterical but really knows how to make me laugh.

my mom: is an example of motivation, isn't afraid to work, taught me the meaning of passion, passed down the crybaby syndrome, wants me to be happy, is an incredible artist, has a strong testimony of the gospel and God's plan for her, has the curliest hair i've seen, passed down the short-gene, is someone i can talk to always, sings alto with me, writes poems like me, is independent and capable of standing on her own, cooks like a pro.

i don't know who i would be without them, and i think i need to be more appreciative and tell them how much they mean to me.

day two: that happily ever after

people have asked me if i really know what love is.
of course not. but i know what it is right now. love will never be the same thing. it's unconditional. it's real. it's unexpected and comes when we're unaware. love is not easy. it does not make everything perfect, it does not solve all of your problems. love is honest and kind.

one day, i'll know eternal love too.

but the story of my first love probably goes a little like this: you know his name. danny dorius. he was in my guitar class A4 the end of my sophomore year. i was oblivious, and overcoming a heartbreak that was harder than i could have ever imagined. it was the simple intervening in my life that started it. he usually sat behind me, with the kids that could play Muse on the guitar. i was oblivious. one didn't have to put in any extra effort to get an A in that class, so the majority of my class time was in the closet playing the piano. summer was nearing, and my procrastination got the best of me. i applied late for work at the PG pool, predicting that my last name would get me a spot. i had hopes to be a lifeguard and a swim teacher this year, though i was completely unprepared.

we were cleaning up one day, stacking chairs and putting away our guitars when he came up to me. he told me that the list was posted on the doors of the pool and my name was on it. he told me about the lifeguarding class i would have to take and pass in order to actually get the job. i was kind of on probation. i probably thanked him, and continued on my day. small talk about the boys soccer season was the extent for the rest of the school year. we shared stories, laughed a bit, but i thought nothing of it.

 school ended and at last, it was the summer of 2010. it was going to be the most memorable summer yet, one guaranteed i wouldn't forget. miraculously, i got the job, i'm sure my last name saved me a spot. either way, i was in, and quickly sold my soul to the pool with promises of skin cancer, permanent smells of chlorine, and countless hours spent staring at the reflection of the sun. i didn't teach swim lessons the first session, but i life guarded them. usually exhausted, i didn't pay super close attention.

session two rolled around and i offered to be a substitute for any days in the session, before long i was signed up to sub for jade. she was nice, a little bossy and controlling, perhaps she'd already spent too much time in the sun. before the class started my boss came around switching sub sheets, and i got one for danny dorius's class. the sub he requested was a girl named summer, but she wouldn't make it that day. he left explanations and lesson plans for each class. i was nervous, it was my first time teaching, and these kids didn't know who i was. i was relieved when a level one class with only two kids rolled around. their names were lexi and froggie. yes, froggie. i remember the instructions saying, 'lexi doesn't always listen, and froggie likes to run away sometimes,' but i quickly dismissed them figuring two students couldn't be that bad.

boy. i was wrong. they must have plotted against me because at the exact same moment, they'd run opposite directions, one heading deeper into the water. i rounded them up and decided the best way to keep their attention was to play games. over and over and over again. worthless sub, i couldn't even teach a class of two kids.

the next day i was life guarding swimming lessons. danny was back, but something was different. i saw him walk through the doors and i couldn't wait to tear him up for not warning me about his two wretched kids he was teaching. when froggie and lexi came for their lessons, i was life guarding on the chair right above them. i looked down at danny, and he smiled back.

whoa.


love at first sight? not necessarily, but that really thew me. i was subbing his classes the day before because he was getting his braces off. so here's the thing, i see him shirtless everyday. sure, the kid has a really attractive body, but the thing that caught me, was his smile. i felt like i was in shock, like maybe i needed to double whistle and get my head guard over here to help me before i faint. [i'm not exaggerating.] perhaps the majority of my scanning consisted of danny from then on. i'd look around for drowning fetuses, and then spend a minute or two just watching him. i probably smiled to myself like a total creep.

part of me was thinking, he was sitting behind me in guitar all that time and i never saw it. the other part of me was thinking, i have got to talk to him. now. i used froggie and swim lessons for an ice breaker, i probably threw in a little small talk about soccer, but before i knew it, i was flirting like mad. i spent the following weekend at my youth conference, with jenna questioning me about him, and when i got home, his older sister amy asked me too.

so i had a crush. big whoop... ha, a crush, such a silly word. i was a love-sick puppy.

before long, we were getting Gandy's together and making ice cream runs. we'd hang out maybe once or twice a week, and then more. we became best friends. we'd rotate next to each other when we were life guarding, and i probably traded shifts so i could work the same one as him. but nothing. so i did it, i got his cell phone number from the lifeguard list and texted him, thinking all the time i was a freak, and that i totally just ruined everything. not. even. close.

and that's how it started.

day one: a dose of kirsten.

if you're a faithful blog stalker,

you may have already read my introduction page.

but, because i'm in need of something to blog about

besides thongs, bad dreams and scripture studies,

i'll tell you some more.

a] you can call me kirsten, but you probably figured that out by now.

b] counting where i'm at now, i have read the Book of Mormon at least seven times.

c] i think strawberries are a very disappointing fruit. most of them taste bitter.

d] i'm sixteen years old, but i imagine my brain is a lot older than that.

e] i've only moved once, and my old house is a block away.

f] i can't dance. but you can watch me make a fool of myself if you want.

g] i'm currently under mental reconfiguration as i try to understand who i am.

h] i'm not allergic to anything, but i carry Benadryl everywhere i go.

i] it might also surprise you that i have a CPR mask in my purse, but it's like whatever.

j] i can write incredible persuasive essays.

k] my nickname is kit. it derived from kit-kat, i think, during my freshman year of soccer.

l] my favorite color is yellow. or orange, or blue or green. i'm not terribly biased.

m] i'm quite fond of camping and fourwheeling, see below:

n] my thumbs are very long despite my smaller-than-average hands.

 also, my thumb muscles are beastly. see above:

o] i particularly despise the stereotypical female, girls are drama.

p] my most embarrassing moment would either be, choking on a cinnamon roll and having an RM almost give me the heimlech, or walking into the boys bathroom and seeing someone at a urinal. so awkward.

q] i've probably eaten more peanutbutter and more gandy's in the last year than you have in your life.

r] my middle name is emotional, and i cry like a baby.

s] i've grown quite fond of him, see below:

t] i plan to attend BYU, UVU, or USU to get my degree for teaching, i'll be a kindergarten teacher.

u] i want to serve and lds mission, maybe sign language speaking if i know it well enough.

v] summer consists of: selling my soul to the pg pool and loving every second.

w] i loathe sleeping in. early mornings are a must.

x] what i learned from 2010: the best decision will never be the easiest.

y] when i was little i used to look up numbers in the phonebook to memorize them for fun.

z] i only like writing in pens. preferably, blue, red or green.

now, i'll probably say something stupid like:

that's me, from A to Z,

love, kirsten chase goodman.

all the things you probably didn't want to hear:

to anyone of the male species: you probably shouldn't read this.

thongs.
very comfortable despite the common assumption, no underwear lines, probably one of your best investments, ladies. if you have not already purchased one, i suggest a visit to your favorite underwear store, Victoria's.

so there's my number ten from my previous post.
buy a thong. nuff said.

writers block.

i've started probably ten posts since my last one,

written two sentences, and decided i didn't know

what i wanted to write about. so i'm going to write

about not knowing what to write about today.

1. perhaps i'll write about that basketball game against alta last night.

we probably won by like four points. remember how last year alta's

basketball team beat us both times by one point? yeah that's really all

i have to say about that.

2. perhaps i'll write about that spontaneous dance tonight. i'm not going.

i can imagine better ways to spend five bucks. like eating. food is really

good sometimes. like zupas. i get a couple more bucks and i'm good to 

go. why spend five bucks on something that requires energy and stuff. 

anyways.

3. perhaps i'll write about my 100th blog post that is coming up. it's

probably going to be the next post, but i want it to be a good one, so

i won't blog until i have something interesting to write about. unlike 

right now, how i'm writing about one day writing about something cool.

lame post.

4. perhaps i'll write about that new heated blanket that is keeping my 

toesies warm each night. and how it automatically shuts off after a 

certain period of time so it does waste money. maybe i'll metion that

it's brown and pretty soft.  not that you're at all interested in it.

5. perhaps i'll write about how blasted cold it is, and how i'm so 

beyond ready for summer that it's not even funny. but you probably

agree, or already know that. so... that sums up that post.

6. perhaps i'll write about how i'm not cleaning my room right now like

i should be, but then again you really don't care about that either. but

in case you did care, i'm supposed to be cleaning my room right now.

7. perhaps i'll write about how much i loathe school and homework

and how long this entire week has been. i'll complain for a whole post

and consider going on strike or faking the flu for the next week. i don't

like school any more than anyone else.

8. perhaps i'll write about how i have this new bucketlist page on my

blog and you should check it out. yeah. thanks for that post kirsten.

9. perhaps i'll write about how i'm trying to think of ten things i want

to write about, but i can't think of two more, but really just one more

since this is one of them. and then i'll feel really ocd about not having

ten, but it's like whatever.

so there's nine posts for you that serve no purpose.

i don't blame you if you wish that you could have the

last six minutes of your life back to do something that

is actually worthwhile. like cleaning your room. i wish

i could have the last six minutes back, i could be 

done by now. but that doesn't matter either.

 three cheers

for obnoxiously worthless posts.

emergency blog post: please read.

okay, so anyone who is a frequent reader of this blog [thank you] knows about the struggle i've been having with happiness, joy, peace of mind, etc. i have some news for you, i really found it this time.

this morning, i woke up and fasted. i fasted that things between danny and i would work out and that we could figure out a safe solution. i went for a drive and wound up at the temple grounds, laying my seat back in the car talking to God out loud. at first, it seemed crazy and like i was losing my mind. but after a few minutes, it felt normal and comfortable. i told Him my concerns, and that this kid really meant a lot to me and i wasn't exactly sure why. but i also told Him that things had been rough lately, and that i really wasn't sure what happiness was any more. i couldn't say at the moment if He really heard me.

i continued about my day, trying not to eat and to humble myself. by five, i had broken my fast and left it in God's hands. i trusted that some how, He knew what to do and what was best. things were normal for the rest of the night. Danny came over after dinner to play kinect, halo, and smash bros. things were good, kind of. but, lets skip over a little saddness, embarrassment, feeling ashamed and stupid and get to what matters.

we texted after he left until he didn't reply. so i got ready for bed, and began reading my scriptures. i'd only been going through the motions lately, with no super, urgent desire to know the word of God, but it was different. since Danny still hadn't texted back, i read more, and got to Alma chapter 22, where Aaron is preaching to King Lamoni's father. it's in verse 15, that things really start to hit me hard. Lamoni's father tells Aaron that he would forsake his kingdom to receive the great joy [of the gospel] and in verse 16 Aaron replies saying, "If thou desirest this thing, if thou wilt bow down before God, yea, if thou wilt repent of all thy sins, and will bow down before God, and call on his name in faith, believing that ye shall receive, then shalt thou receive the hope which thou desirest.

my thoughts: first, here is this king, who has everything he could ever want, and he says that he would give up his entire kingdom to feel this happiness. what would i be willing to sacrifice or forsake to feel real, true, joy? and then it tells me in verse sixteen that i need to repent, and pray, and really believe that things will work out and the hope, which is the joy, will come to me.

i kept reading, and in verse 18, the king prays to God to know if everything Aaron has said is true, and about half way through the verse he says, '"I will give away all my sins to know thee,"

this hit me so hard. this man, doesn't even know if God exists, but he prays, willing to do whatever it takes to know Him. and here i am, knowing God exists and loves me, and created everything that i have, but for the longest time i have taken it for granted. i have never been willing to give up everything that i own, or to give up any sins, to know God. all this time, i have been searching for happiness in the wrong places. the world does not provide us happiness. all the joy i've wanted comes from the gospel, and comes from spending time, and sacrificing to know God. i haven't been sacrificing enough.

now, right after i read all of this, danny texted me. i couldn't have been more excited to tell him about my revelation. i told him everything. we talked, and fixed everything. apologies, forgiving, and deciding how things between us would be from here on out. and there it was, God's hand completely in my life. he took my entire world, shook it up a bit, and gave me a little reminder in the scriptures of how it's supposed to be. [also, i would suggest fasting to anyone that is having a hard time, and talking to God out loud. besides the relief and humbling feeling, God does listen and you will be blessed.]

i haven't felt this way in the longest time. and i've missed it so much. what better time than now, the beginning of a new year, to start over. heres to 2011, may your relationship with your loving God grow ever stronger, your faith and your testimony as well. may you feel joy in the gospel, and never forget where the real happiness comes from.