emergency blog post: please read.

okay, so anyone who is a frequent reader of this blog [thank you] knows about the struggle i've been having with happiness, joy, peace of mind, etc. i have some news for you, i really found it this time.

this morning, i woke up and fasted. i fasted that things between danny and i would work out and that we could figure out a safe solution. i went for a drive and wound up at the temple grounds, laying my seat back in the car talking to God out loud. at first, it seemed crazy and like i was losing my mind. but after a few minutes, it felt normal and comfortable. i told Him my concerns, and that this kid really meant a lot to me and i wasn't exactly sure why. but i also told Him that things had been rough lately, and that i really wasn't sure what happiness was any more. i couldn't say at the moment if He really heard me.

i continued about my day, trying not to eat and to humble myself. by five, i had broken my fast and left it in God's hands. i trusted that some how, He knew what to do and what was best. things were normal for the rest of the night. Danny came over after dinner to play kinect, halo, and smash bros. things were good, kind of. but, lets skip over a little saddness, embarrassment, feeling ashamed and stupid and get to what matters.

we texted after he left until he didn't reply. so i got ready for bed, and began reading my scriptures. i'd only been going through the motions lately, with no super, urgent desire to know the word of God, but it was different. since Danny still hadn't texted back, i read more, and got to Alma chapter 22, where Aaron is preaching to King Lamoni's father. it's in verse 15, that things really start to hit me hard. Lamoni's father tells Aaron that he would forsake his kingdom to receive the great joy [of the gospel] and in verse 16 Aaron replies saying, "If thou desirest this thing, if thou wilt bow down before God, yea, if thou wilt repent of all thy sins, and will bow down before God, and call on his name in faith, believing that ye shall receive, then shalt thou receive the hope which thou desirest.

my thoughts: first, here is this king, who has everything he could ever want, and he says that he would give up his entire kingdom to feel this happiness. what would i be willing to sacrifice or forsake to feel real, true, joy? and then it tells me in verse sixteen that i need to repent, and pray, and really believe that things will work out and the hope, which is the joy, will come to me.

i kept reading, and in verse 18, the king prays to God to know if everything Aaron has said is true, and about half way through the verse he says, '"I will give away all my sins to know thee,"

this hit me so hard. this man, doesn't even know if God exists, but he prays, willing to do whatever it takes to know Him. and here i am, knowing God exists and loves me, and created everything that i have, but for the longest time i have taken it for granted. i have never been willing to give up everything that i own, or to give up any sins, to know God. all this time, i have been searching for happiness in the wrong places. the world does not provide us happiness. all the joy i've wanted comes from the gospel, and comes from spending time, and sacrificing to know God. i haven't been sacrificing enough.

now, right after i read all of this, danny texted me. i couldn't have been more excited to tell him about my revelation. i told him everything. we talked, and fixed everything. apologies, forgiving, and deciding how things between us would be from here on out. and there it was, God's hand completely in my life. he took my entire world, shook it up a bit, and gave me a little reminder in the scriptures of how it's supposed to be. [also, i would suggest fasting to anyone that is having a hard time, and talking to God out loud. besides the relief and humbling feeling, God does listen and you will be blessed.]

i haven't felt this way in the longest time. and i've missed it so much. what better time than now, the beginning of a new year, to start over. heres to 2011, may your relationship with your loving God grow ever stronger, your faith and your testimony as well. may you feel joy in the gospel, and never forget where the real happiness comes from.